A Voice in the Wilderness

I thought once that I had a viewpoint that mattered, that my opinions were worth expressing and SHOULD be heard... That I, Bill Nelson, was worth remembering, that someday fortune would smile on me.

But what is the reality? How does it all REALLY work out?

After a bitter divorce, in which my attorney stated that my former marriage mate had been "the worst" of ALL the men and ALL the women of EVERY divorce case that had ever gone through his office (3500), a divorce after which I had battled mightily to preserve and protect my relationship with my children...in the end it all boiled down to money, cold hard cash - it didn't matter that I loved my children or respected the sanctity of marriage.

The state simply wanted to suck money out of me and didn't give a damn if I was around to be a father to my children or not. I was swept under the rug, not only by the legal system but also by many persons I had considered my "friends". I was cursed and hated by people I had thought I could trust, that would be loyal. People that I THOUGHT I knew actively participated in the legal murder of my family, doing so with gusto and relish. And all these 20 years since that devastating event, not one person has had the balls to come forward and apologize, even though my former spouse was publicly exposed as a liar and a fraud.

For 15 years I cried daily at some point for my children, children I was not allowed to see or talk to. Now, I have reestablished contact, but they are grown and have their own busy lives to occupy them. I spend a lot of hours staring into my coffee cup, staring out the window, depressed and unhappy.

There is no one to complain to. I am a matter from the forgotten past.

The other day I pulled out my drawing tablet thinking I'd encourage myself by creating some new image, only to discover that I had nothing to say. What's the point of going to the trouble of putting thoughts down on paper if they are never going to be published or if they will only be posted to my website, which hardly anyone ever looks at.

My first published drawings was in 1971, a surfing contest poster - now it's 41 years later and I never did have what you could call a career. Maybe  there are a few copies of my work saved here and there but I never had any influence that I know of, most of my stuff went for "fish wrappers".

Just a vain voice that cried out in the wilderness

Finished up the work on the Alta Sierra Property Owners website - built it from scratch - at www.altasierran.org. Finishing up (today hopefully) the tale of The Adventures of Little Munch (at Talespring.com) - Glen "Bear" Smith wrote the story and I supplied the images and animations. Took almost five months. Should show up in the Apple App store soon. A true "labor of love" or perhaps blood sweat and tears


Had a family get together on Nov 19th - had all my daughters together for the first time in - ohhhhh - since.....1987? Hard to say - hadn't seen Caroline since 1996 (14 years+-) and Sarah I'd seen once in court in 2004 (didn't talk to me - she was with her mother) - then Sarah and I finally met at my place (with her fiance Jake) about two months ago.

Life DOES get confusing and sometimes just drifts away from you like an unattended untied boat on the tides. It's been a long hard road. Funny thing is how much Caroline resembles her grandfather (whom she never met) in her life passions - travel, Death Valley, Botany etc. Like her old man too.

Daughter Rachel posts on Facebook her morning walks in Santa Cruz - on the very same path along the ocean I walked on in the early 70's. It never occured to me (when I left Santa Cruz in 1982) that I'd never return. Well at least a part of me is there in the form of my eldest. Enjoy the view Rachel and don't stop posting pictures of your morning walks and the sunrises over Steamer Lane - you're keeping me alive ;0)

The World Acording to Facebook

Voila! No need to schmooze anymore. No need for bars, No need for 'Speed Dating'. No need for 'Personal Ads'. Just plug your self into Facebook and the world will arrive at your doorstep.

Inflict your every minutest thought on your 'adoring public' 24/7.

Heck, I don't even need a 'publisher' anymore - just create a gallery in "Photos": you are now Published. No looking for an editor to approve your work out of a stack of hundreds of envelopes on their desk. Approve yourself! Pat yourSELF on the back!

All kidding aside, I reconnected (on Facebook) with two younger daughters whom my ex (their mother), had succeeded in alienating from me. I had been at a loss as to how I'd ever connect with them again - how I would ever explain that I really wasn't as awful as I had been portrayed to be.

I responded to a photo that my oldest daughter posted - I had described the plant's botanical name, it's Latin Binomial. I was corrected my someone, a Junior College Biologist, who gave another more up to date Binomial. At that point, one of the two younger daughters posted saying that both names were actually correct. From the other side of the world I had been defended by my Yosemite Botanist daughter. Go Girl! Protect your dad.

I grew up in a world of letters and stamps and phones on the wall or on a desk or in a "Phone Booth". I now live in a world that is seeing the imminent bankruptcy of our postal system. My dad bought the first T.V. on the block: a big bulky blond wood cabinet with a five inch screen - now I spend my evenings writing code on a flat screen Mac, conversing with my children via Facebook in a browser.

No, I don't have an iPhone or an Android - I haven't fallen that far yet. My phone has a flip top and makes and answers calls. No built-in camera. No iPod either. I know it's a losing battle, though. I jumped head first into corporate web development in 1999 and my life has not been the same since. I still pull over when the phone rings, only 'tweet' every once in a while, blog when I remember that I have a blog, try not to code past 4 A.M., and definitely try not to work on more than two web languages at a time. I don't want my head to split in half because one side screams "Java!" and the other side yells "MXML!".

But gotta get back to Facebook - someone may have commented on one of my photo uploads or liked one of my posts. Gotta check - I need the validation.

It seems to me that we humans have created a world that is so complex that no one really fully understands it anymore.

The relatively simple matter of JavaScript code is a case in point. I first learned JavaScript in 1995. Soon after came the "Browser Wars": code written for one browser refused to work in another. Developers were forced to write convoluted code to properly capture events and have the correct response. JavaScripting became a chore then a burden and then an impossibility.

JavaScript went to version 1.2 then version 1.3 and then version 1.4.

Now we have "JavaScript Frameworks": code 'libraries' supposedly designed to eliminate "cross Browser" confusion or to "add functionality": MooTools, YUI, Prototype, ExtJS, Dojo and jQuery. Each one has it's own complexity and quirks and/or area of 'expertise'. On top of all that are SOAP, WSDL, JSON, XML and others all adding to the cacaphony, each crying out "Use Me!, Use Me!".

Tonight I have the pleasure of looking at a "coding test" I'm supposed to complete and turn in tomorrow or the next day. I'm supposed to convert a JPG into a slick, code-efficient (in "best coding practices") web page as proof that I no longer have a normal human brain left - that I have been fully assimilated by the Code Borg.

Lord-O-Mighty. I think I'll go wash my head out with SOAP

And then there's that Java thing. Maybe If I just study another thousand pages of manual or so I'll wake up a true Java Guru. On the other hand, maybe my head will just melt.

Found this cool Conan poster at a yardsale, with art by Cary Nord and signed by the book author, Kurt Busiek. There was no price listed. The woman suggested I make an offer, which I did ($3.00 for one poster), but she said, "For all of them?".

I hesitated so she said, "OK, Sold!".

Thus I became the proud owner of 12 signed Conan posters and 2 unsigned ones. I'll hang one next to my fake Remington, "Night Stagecoach" painting...

In Latin "Co" means "together" or "together with", while in programming NaN means "Not a number" which could be interpreted as "none" or "zero". Thus "Co" + "NaN" could mean "Together with none", literally someone who walks/travels alone. Since Conan is pretty much a loner perhaps that where Howard got the name for his Mighty Conan the Barbarian.

How do you like the world you live in?

How do you like the world you live in?

At every turn there is someone who thinks THEY know better than YOU as to how YOU should live your life. The government believes it is more qualified than YOU as to how YOUR money should be spent. Not only the money you have NOW but also all the money you AND your kids will ever earn, in order to support money business Fat Cats and their self centered life styles on Wall Street.

If you are a young male the government surely believes you are not capable of deciding whether or not you should kill some unfortunate individual in some remote country.

Individual fanatics are certain they are more qualified than YOU as to whether or not you should live at all. There are unfortunately large numbers of religiously brainwashed who would, if possible, burn you at a stake or blow you up because YOU have the impertinence to disagree with them.

Rain forests are being burnt or hacked down at an alarming rate that may possibly render the earth uninhabitable within our lifetimes. Fresh water is increasingly scarce. in many areas available water supplies already taxed to the limits of their ability to supply. Major fisheries have collapsed or are on the verge of collapsing.

Murderous governments and quasi-religious paramilitaries justify rape and murder as legitimate means. Governments practice and defend torture.

Do YOU like the world you live in? Do YOU blast out of your school parking lot at lunch hour and run stop-signs because you gotta have a Big Mac? Are speed limits only suggestions? Do you think "rules" are for dimwits and sissies? Like the idiot that stopped dead on the freeway in front of me in my lane because he was deep into road rage with the guy HE had just cut off. GET A LIFE stupid freeway freak. Do the world a favor: go home, park your car in the garage, shut the garage door, put the hose into your car window and turn on the engine. Do not collect $200, do not pass go.

Have you spent huge sums to get that all important college degree only to discover that the only jobs available pay less than ten dollars an hour? Or that there are no jobs to be had because you are now "over qualified"? The 'haves' will never let the 'have-nots' get an even break. There is no "level playing field". It is all rigged in favor of whoever is currently holding the power, and THEY will never give any away without a bloody struggle.

The "Justice" System is NOT about JUSTICE: it is about what is LEGAL. RIGHT or WRONG is not really a consideration. Ask a Father who devoted his life to his family and to his children only to discover that after his divorce he is now nothing but a number, the numeric amount he must pay as ordered by the court. HE is no longer the "protector of his children" but an enemy viewed with suspicion by schools, an obvious pervert who must be constrained and watched every moment.

Those who have never been subjected to the "Justice" of the Family Law Courts cannot have any idea how perverted the "Justice" there really is.

Do you like the world you live in? Are you so habituated to its madness that you believe that this IS the way it should be? Be like the man that stood in front of the tanks in Tienamen Square, and just say NO.

It's all too troublesome: I'm selling everything now and going surfing for the next year. Just like I did in 1982. See you next year if the world isn't toast.

After 14 years of beating my head against Java, Perl, XHTML, CSS, JavaScript, lingo, MXML, PHP, MySQL, etc etc, I realize that all I ever really wanted to do was draw pictures. "I vanna be ah Drah-er".

I Love computers, I hate them, I Love code, I hate code. Code loves me, it loves me not, I love code, it loves me not. GAK...I ran out of nodes.

The real me: http://ibnelson.com